I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
