After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
