Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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