I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
