I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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