the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize