I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
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