Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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