my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
