omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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