I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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