I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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