If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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