I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
