Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
