i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
