she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
