he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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