Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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