I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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