I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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