By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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