Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
