boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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