just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
