3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
