Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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