i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
no you cant smoke seaweed
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
