obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
