now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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