I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
