Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you win again, gameday.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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