so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize