we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
