Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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