Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
