If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
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