I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
