We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
