Screwed.edu
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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