so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize