Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
