If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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