Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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