yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
