im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
