i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
