Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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