Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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