After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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