Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Semen is not good for contacts.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
