I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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