All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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