i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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