I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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