Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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