FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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